All About Jokes

Joke No. 279

2008-12-03T07:20:00.000-08:00

Little Mary

Little Mary was attending a wedding for the first time. As she
sat in the church, she watched the bride slowly approach the
altar. Mary whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride
dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the
happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said... "So
why is the groom wearing black?"

Joke No. 278

2008-12-02T07:20:00.000-08:00

The Reporter

A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who
now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town.

"I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. "How can
you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town
knows what everybody else is doing?"

"Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper
to see who got caught at it...."

Joke No. 277

2008-12-01T07:19:00.000-08:00

For Dummies

When Jill decided to improve her computer skills, she threw
herself into it with enthusiasm. Every week she'd check out
two or three instructional books from the library.

After about a month the librarian commented, "Wow! You must
really be getting knowledgeable at this stuff."

"Thanks," Jill said. "What makes you say that?"

The librarian answered, "Only one of the books you're checking
out this week has 'For Dummies' in the title."

Joke No. 276

2008-11-30T07:19:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Applebee

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following
problem to one of her classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth
is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to
his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised
his hand.

The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered,
"A lawyer...!"

Joke No. 275

2008-11-29T07:18:00.000-08:00

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he
would give her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy
and secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked, "How will you know when the baby was
born?"

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
and write `Spaghetti` on the back.

He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One
day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey, you received a very strange post card today," she said.

"Oh, just give it to me and I will explain it later," he said. The
wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two
with meat balls, one without.

Joke No. 274

2008-11-28T07:18:00.000-08:00

The Lady

A lady had just finished taking a CPR course, and was on the
lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the shopping center,
she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people around him.
Screaming, "I know CPR!", she ran to the person, threw her
bag down, loosened all tight clothing and got ready to start
mouth-to-mouth.

At this stage, a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and
asked, "Do you mind, ma'am? I'm trying to arrest this man!"

Joke No. 273

2008-11-27T07:17:00.000-08:00

Five Belgians

Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border.

The French Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's
illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at
the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs
agent. "Quattro means 4!"

"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!"

"He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."

Joke No. 272

2008-11-26T07:17:00.001-08:00

The Minister, The Priest And A Rabbi

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day.
It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when
they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded,
they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries
while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an
open area, who should come along but a group of ladies
from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the
priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face
while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back
on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he
covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY
congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Joke No. 271

2008-11-17T09:21:00.000-08:00

The Big Decision

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing.
66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy
marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the
big decisions... and the woman just makes the little
decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far,not one
big decision!"

Joke No. 270

2008-11-16T09:20:00.000-08:00

The First Time Father

The first time Father was taking a turn at feeding the
baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces
of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband
staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you
doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can
put on another."

Joke No. 269

2008-11-15T09:18:00.000-08:00

The Defendant

The presiding judge had just completed rendering the court's
verdict and was about to pass sentence when he asked the
defendant if he had anything to say.

"No, judge, there is nothing I care to say," answered the prisoner.
"But if you'll let me clear away the tables and chairs in this here
courtroom, so's I can properly beat the heck outa that no-good
lawyer of mine, you can give me a year or two extra."

Joke No. 268

2008-11-14T09:17:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Morris Siegel

Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's,
pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said,
"Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy
over there?"

"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty
salesman.

"Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein's Bargain
Store downtown!"

"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at
Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool."

"Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"

Joke No. 267

2008-11-13T09:15:00.000-08:00

The Expert

I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on
the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the
driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.

"Wow, Steve," she gushed, "you're an expert."

Gloating, feeling like the king that I am, but trying not to see
egotistical, I responded, "Once you get going, it's pretty easy."

She looked puzzled, and I wondered if I'd misunderstood her.
So I asked, "What did you say, Jen?"

She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"

Joke No. 266

2008-11-12T09:14:00.000-08:00

The First Time

For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from
his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his
ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some
popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, my friend couldn't help
but comment, "The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was
only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going
to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

Joke No. 265

2008-07-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

The Human Brain

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest
buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the regular culling of the
weakest members.

Much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a
faster and more efficient machine.

Thash why you alwaysch feel scho musch schmarter
after a few beersch.

Joke No. 264

2008-07-11T23:59:00.000-07:00

WATCH & CLOCK

In my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the
difference between a watch and a clock. I told the students
that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached
to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your
body, it was called a watch.

A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom
clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a
wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then
confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch."

Joke No. 263

2008-07-10T23:58:00.000-07:00

KELLY

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as
he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye...that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord...didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"

"Aye, that I did," Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but
that particular part of Mrs. Riley is not much use in a fight!"

Joke No. 262

2008-07-09T23:58:00.000-07:00

PURINA DIET

I have a Labrador Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina
at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food
is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was
by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was
behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been
sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to need help as he roared with
laughter staggering to the door and fresh air.

Joke No. 261

2008-07-08T23:58:00.000-07:00

The Little Boy

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed the man had his collar on backwards. The little boy
asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like
that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the
Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren,
and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting a little impatient, said, "I am the Father of
hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over
and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead
of your collar?"

Joke No. 260

2008-07-07T23:57:00.000-07:00

The Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket
during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket
rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor
in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was
just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

Joke No. 259

2008-07-06T23:56:00.000-07:00

The Farmer

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon
went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead.
Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an
animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down
the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do
something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is
enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic?"

Joke No. 258

2008-07-05T23:56:00.000-07:00

The Password

A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a
password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary
to setup the password for him.

The secretary asks the man for the password. The man,
attempting to embarass the secretary in order to show
superiority, said, "Penis."

Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed
it again. Then she hit enter.

The whole office heard the secretary bursting out of laughters as
a reaction from the computer's screen:

"Password rejected. Reason: Too short"

Joke No. 257

2008-07-04T23:55:00.000-07:00

The Little Old Lady

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take
a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!"
said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded
to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his
foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!"
he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat
the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because
the electricity was cut off this morning...."

Joke No. 256

2008-07-03T23:48:00.000-07:00

The Robber

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?"
asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in
four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my
wife didn't like the color."

Joke No. 255

2008-07-02T23:47:00.000-07:00

The Sunday School Teacher

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said,
"He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's
in my heart." Little Davie, waving his hand furiously, blurted
out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie
how he knew this.

Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are
you still in there?!"

Joke No. 254

2008-07-01T23:47:00.000-07:00

Bill

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were
married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played
upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading
the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood
up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not
be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or
smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their
honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill
even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always
loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come
away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room
service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that
five."

Joke No. 253

2008-06-30T23:46:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told
him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

Little Johnny turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want
to go out there. It's dark."

His mother smiled reassuringly at Little Johnny. "You don't have
to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there.
He'll look after you and protect you."

Little Johnny looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you
sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to
help you when you need him," she said.

Little Johnny thought about that for a minute and then went to
the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness,
he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me
the broom?"

Joke No. 252

2008-06-29T23:44:00.000-07:00

The Star Football Player

At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated
the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus
party.

Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young
thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she
met many dates at parties.

"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong
academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's
your G.P.A.?"

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the
city and 38 on the highway."

Joke No. 251

2008-06-28T23:43:00.000-07:00

Billy Bob

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob
tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a Little different. The last few
years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago
you said to Go to Hawaii.

I went to Hawaii and Earlene got Pregnant. Then two years ago,
you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant
again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't
get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with Me."

Joke No. 250

2008-06-27T23:43:00.000-07:00

An Elderly Lady

An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boarding house,
broke her leg.� As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not
to climb any stairs.

Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

"Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up
and down that drainpipe every time I have to take the garbage
out to the curb!"

Joke No. 249

2008-06-26T23:43:00.000-07:00

The Cop

A motorcycle cop in Milwaukee was rushed to the hospital with
an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him
that everything was goin' to be ok.

However, the guy kept feeling something pulling on his chest.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't
told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital
gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so
uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in
large black letters on the tape was the sentence.

"Get well soon..... from the nurse you gave a ticket last week."

Joke No. 248

2008-06-25T23:40:00.000-07:00

The American Tourist

An American tourist in London decided to skip histour group and
explore the city on his own. He wandered around, seeing the
sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the
local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he found himself in a very high class neighborhood
..... big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants,
and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really had to go, after all those pints of Guinnesss. He
found� a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the
adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve his
problem.

As he was unzipping, he was tapped on the shoulder by a London
bobbie, who said, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here,
you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really,
really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He led him to a back
"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate which he opened.

"In there," pointed the Bobbie.� "Whiz away,... anywhere you want."

The fellow entered and found himself in the most beautiful garden
he had ever seen -- manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains,
sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in
perfect bloom.

Since he had the cop's blessing, he zipped down and unburdened
himself and was greatly relieved. As he went back through the
gate, he said to the bobbie, "That was really decent of you .... is
that "British Hospitality?".

"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that
is the French Embassy

Joke No. 247

2008-06-24T23:40:00.000-07:00

My Husband And I

My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages
seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first
time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced
around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed
loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table.

Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through
clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out
with us again!"

The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear,"
he said. "Quality time!"

Joke No. 246

2008-06-23T23:39:00.000-07:00

A New Mattress

Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my
brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The
problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an
odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my
mother one day when I called home.

"Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.

"I don't have a tape measure."

"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches
long."

"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have
a ten."

Joke No. 245

2008-06-22T23:39:00.000-07:00

Reading on Vacation

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily
bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided
to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster... As we came up to
the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side
of the track.

I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it
out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we
went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a
third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get
a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"
asked the visitor.

"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"

Joke No. 244

2008-06-21T23:38:00.000-07:00

Black Testicles?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", she hears him mumble from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask, and again she hears, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand
and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. I do like the
way you think, but first, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Joke No. 243

2008-06-20T23:37:00.000-07:00

The Case

The case concerned a will and Kelly was a witness.

"Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of
talking to himself when he was alone?"

"I don't know," said the� Irishman.

"Come now man, you don't know and yet you pretend
you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?"

"Well, Mr. Lawyer," said Kelly, "I never happened to be
with him when he was alone. "

Joke No. 242

2008-06-19T23:37:00.001-07:00

Out Of Order

A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those
security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were
wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy
about somebody following you, for instance, you could
hit the button and have a security officer investigate
immediately.

On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of
Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running."

Joke No. 241

2008-06-12T21:03:00.000-07:00

The Widow

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the
deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points
out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already
wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care
what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the
viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight,
she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a
subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the
mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank
check. "There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see,
a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought
in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to
his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no
difference as long as he looked nice.

So I switched the heads."

Joke No. 240

2008-06-11T21:02:00.000-07:00

The College Freshman and the Senior Citizen

A very self-important college freshman at a recent football
game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen
sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older
generation to understand his own.

"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world,"
the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.

"We young people today grew up with television, jet planes,
space� travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceship have
visited Mars...We even have nuclear energy, electric and
hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and
uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany,
the "wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have
those things when we were young........so we invented them
...... you arrogant little TURKEY!! All you invented so far is rap.
Now......what else are you doing for the next generation??"

Joke No. 239

2008-06-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

The Chinese Man

This Chinese man moved into his new home in Australia. His
Aussie neighbor, being the nice Aussie bloke that he was,
decided to make him feel welcome. He went next door to wish
him welcome.

He was shocked to see the Chinese man in his nice backyard
chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be a Chinese
custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the
welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Chinese
man When he looked through his window, he saw the Chinese
man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be a Chinese custom"
he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till
tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the
Chinese man. At his gate, he saw the Chinese man with his
ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt.

He became angry and went up to the Chinese man. "I'm sorry
sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy
Chinese customs!" He yelled in the Chinese man's face.

The Chinese man looked confused and answered. "Solly sir, I
think you awe mistaken. These awe actually Austwalian customs.
I was told, to become an Austwalian, you have to chase chicks,
get piss drunk, and lissen to boohll-sheet."

Joke No. 238

2008-06-09T21:01:00.000-07:00

The Two Beggars

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One
has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put
money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving
money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the
beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of
David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This
is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a
Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting
beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably
give to him just out of spite,"

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest,
turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe,
look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about
marketing."

Joke No. 237

2008-06-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

The Husband and Wife

A Catholic husband and wife were having dinner at a very
fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman
comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open
mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh,"replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough,
I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember,
if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris,
no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.

But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies

Joke No. 236

2008-06-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

Paddy

At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped
to chat with one of his workmen.

"Paddy," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you
had a brother who was a bishop?"

"That I did, sir."

"And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny old world. Things
in life aren't divided equally, are they?"

"No, that they ain't sir," agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped
the mortar along the line of bricks. "My poor brother is such a
miserable klutz, he couldn't do this to save his life!"

Joke No. 235

2008-06-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

Boy Scouts

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a
test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged,
and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to
be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.

One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his
rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the
Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was
supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have
bled to death and gone to McDonalds to refill."

Joke No. 234

2008-06-05T20:59:00.001-07:00

Next Generation

A very self-important college freshman at a recent football
game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting
next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to
understand his own.

"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world,"
the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.

"We young people today grew up with television, jet planes,
space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceship have
visited Mars...We even have nuclear energy, electric and
hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany,
the "wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those
things when we were young........so we invented them...... you
arrogant little TURKEY!! All you invented so far is rap.
Now......what else are you doing for the next generation??"

Joke No. 233

2008-05-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

The Hunter

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead
dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it.� Amazed, he
asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a
huge beast like that?"

The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There are about two hundred of us."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at
his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the
table as the food was being served. When little Johnny
received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer,
before eating, at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's
house and her food always turns out good!

Joke No. 232

2008-05-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

A Little Boy And A Little Girl

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They
discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day
he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like
it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little
feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's
right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought
peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the
neck and the gizzards!!!!!!!!

Joke No. 231

2008-05-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

Bob And Terri

Bob and Terri had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and
were having their first fight, and it was a big one. No matter
what Bob tried to say or do, Terri refused to compromise, or
even listen. He started growing exasperated.

After a while, Bob said "When we got married, you promised
to love, honor and obey."

Terri replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument
in front of all those people at the wedding."

Joke No. 230

2008-05-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Scientist

One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as
the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a
train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said,
"Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find
the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said,
"I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it,
otherwise I won't know where to get off. I forgot where I am
supposed to be going today!"

Joke No. 229

2008-05-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

The Husband and Wife

An elderly husband and wife noticed they were beginning to
forget little things around the house. They were afraid that this
could be dangerous so they decided to go see a doctor to get
some help.

Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful
to write themselves little notes as reminders. This seemed like
an excellent idea.

When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to
the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? Why don't you write
that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice
cream!"

"I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down,
because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and
some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top.
Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the
wife.

"No problem, ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife
could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon
and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her
husband and said, "Where's the toast? I TOLD you to write it down!"

Joke No. 228

2008-05-22T23:44:00.000-07:00

The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had
to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was
hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy
determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little
boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the
creek. So he got a large pole and started pushing. Finally, the
outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed
after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy
asked why.

Dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered "Yes father". Then he thought a moment and
said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped
down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told
the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't
in the cherry tree."

Joke No. 227

2008-05-21T20:00:00.001-07:00

The Pretty Girl

A pretty girl asked the male clerk at a fabric counter,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How
much does it cost?"

"Why, only one kiss per yard, " he replied with a smirk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards.

With anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little
old lady standing behind her.

"Grandma will pay the bill, "she smiled.

Joke No. 226

2008-05-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

The 3 Finalists

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside
the room you will find somebody sitting in a chair. Kill that person!"

The man entered the killing room and came right back out. The
man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the
same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All
was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in
his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife
and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions, to go into the room and kill the person
sitting on the chair.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat
from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I
had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL: Women are
evil. Don't mess with them

Joke No. 225

2008-05-20T20:00:00.001-07:00

The Baby Camel

Baby camel to his dad, "Dad, why have we got such
big feet?"

"so that we can carry our masters through the hot
shifting sands of the desert where no other animal
can go," replied Dad.

"Dad, why have we such long spindly legs?" "So that
we can carry our masters through all the prickly thorn
bushes in the desert without scratching their legs,"
replied Dad.

"Dad, why do we have such big humps on our backs?"

"So that we can carry our masters for long distances
across the desert without stopping for food or water,"
replied Dad.

"Dad, why our we sitting in the back of this truck, stuck
in rush-hour traffic?"

Joke No. 224

2008-05-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

Three Englishman

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man.
One guy said he was going to bug him. He walked over to
the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. 'Hey, I hear
your St. Patrick was a sissy.'

'Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.'

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. 'I told
him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!'

'You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn.'
The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish
man on the shoulder.
'I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!'

'Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you.'

Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his
buddies. 'Your right, he is unshakable!'

The third English man said: 'No, no, no, I will really big him,
you just watch.'

The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on
the shoulder and said... 'I hear your St. Patrick was an English
man!'

'Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.'

Joke No. 223

2008-05-19T20:00:00.001-07:00

Two Friends

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought
I was in love three times," one friend says. "How so?" his
friend asks. "Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who
wanted nothing to do with me."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years
ago, I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't
understand me."

"Was that love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a
woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart,
funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere we met
on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my
stomach."

"Was that love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was seasickness."

Joke No. 222

2008-05-19T20:00:00.000-07:00

An Old Penny Pincher

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked
his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to
disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress,
and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial,
I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the
grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I
must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only
threw in $20,000."

The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a
new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said,
"Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't
see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I'm
proud to say that I threw in my personal check for the full amount."

Joke No. 221

2008-05-18T20:00:00.001-07:00

Grandma's Birth Control Pills

The doctor that had been seeing Myrtle, a now 84-year-old
woman, for most of his life, died shortly after he retired at 65.

At her next annual checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and
mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grand
daughter drinks . . .

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

Joke No. 220

2008-05-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

A Happy Man

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had
been together for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one thing bothering me...it was her beautiful
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty- two,
wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always
got more than a pleasant view.

One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived,
and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for
me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to
make love to me just once before I go married and committed
my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say
a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you
want one last wild fling, just come up."

I was stunned and frozen in shock, as I watched her go up the
stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door, I opened the door, and headed
straight toward my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father in-law hugged me
and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test
... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome
to the family."

And the moral of this story is . . .

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Joke No. 219

2008-05-17T20:00:00.001-07:00

Two Cowboys

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash
the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking
their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a
woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich
begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that
she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes
her head "No" "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The
woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt,
yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the
back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the
woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth,
and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his
beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind
Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.

Joke No. 218

2008-05-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

The Vacation

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to
Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her
shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here,
in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it for a few seconds and then
told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000
to ship your wife's dead body home, when it would be
wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried
here, and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."

Joke No. 217

2008-05-16T20:00:00.001-07:00

The Golfer

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead
by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,"
the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would
you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would
like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side
again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth
of� your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without
waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to
his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up
the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you
because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this
day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley.

Joke No. 216

2008-05-16T20:00:00.000-07:00

The Preacher

There once was a Preacher that went to heaven. When
he got to the pearly gates, there was a man in front of
him. The man was a mess (t-shirt, long hair, and wearing
flip flops). The man told St Peter his name and told him
he was a New York taxi driver.

St Peter looked up his name and gave him a silk robe
and a silver staff.

The Preacher then walked up to St Peter gave his name.
He told him he was a Preacher of such & such church. St
Peter looked up his name and gave him a cotton robe with
a wooden stick.

The Preacher complained and said " Hey, the guy before
me was a taxi driver and you gave him a silk robe and a
silver staff. I'm a preacher of the word of God and all I
got was this flimsy cotton robe and a wood stick."

St Peter said to the Preacher, "When you preached people
slept, When he drove people prayed."

Joke No. 215

2008-05-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

The Nun

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when
she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $50
bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift
from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention
was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger
who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.

She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might
be in financial difficulties. She took the $50 bill and wrapped
it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair,
Sister Eulalia."

She threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it,
looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and
went off down the street.

The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when
she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on
seeing her.

She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger
waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll
of bills. When she asked what the bills were for he replied,
"That's the four-hundred bucks you have coming. Don't
Despair paid 7-1."

Joke No. 214

2008-05-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

The Navy SEAL

A Navy SEAL was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist
and a member of the ACLU.

One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the
ceiling, and flatly stated,

"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this
platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed! , "Here I
am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the SEAL got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked
him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The SEAL went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there
looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked
at the SEAL and asked,

"What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The SEAL calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting
American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
shit and act like a dumb ass; so He sent me."

Joke No. 213

2008-05-06T09:31:00.000-07:00

The Landing Strip

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska.
Since I had little experience in flying in small planes,
I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in
a snow covered area. The pilot descended to just a
dozen feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and
circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger
beside me seemed calm.

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was
plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the
window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for
some time."

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who
drives the plow, and I have been in Hawaii for two
weeks."

Joke No. 212

2008-05-05T00:00:00.000-07:00

Jill

Jerry, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around
9:58 PM. He sat down next to Jill at the bar and stared up
to the TV. The 10:00 PM news was now on. The news crew
was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building
preparing to jump.

Jill looked at Jerry and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jerry
replied, "You know, I bet he will."

Jill said, "Well, I bet he won't." Jerry placed a $20 bill on the
bar and said, "You're on."

Just as Jill placed her money on the bar, the guy shown on
the TV did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

Jill was very upset but handed $20 to Jerry saying, "Fair's fair,
here's your money."

Jerry replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on
the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

Jill replied, "I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jerry took the money....

Joke No. 211

2008-05-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Old Red Indian

An old Red Indian and his spouse wanted to see a big
city. So they travelled to New York and were quite
awed by the sights of the city. Sights they'd never
seen before. Finally, as they needed a place to rest,
a passer by pointed to a hotel.

After checking in with much difficulty ( because they'd
never done this before) they were shown their room.
Finally finding it quite comfortable they soon fell asleep
for the night. Later the old Red Indian woke up thirsty
and asked his wife to get water, which she dutifully did.
Having drunk the water the Indian went back to sleep
only to wake up again a few hours later feeling thirsty.
His wife got him a tumbler of water which he gratefully
crank and was back asleep. However, a few hours later
he was up again and thirsty.

He sent his wife for water and this time she came back
with an empty tumbler. He asked her what happened.
She replied "White man sitting on well."

Joke No. 210

2008-05-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey
from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver
the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I
have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny----------"I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer---------" You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny----------"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny----------"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer---------"Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny---------"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two
dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

Joke No. 209

2008-05-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

FRAMED

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around
to doing it while Lucy was out. He left to take care of another
matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to
take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the
commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the
not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode
seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her
predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, In desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to
the Hospital Emergency Room. The ER Doctor got her into a
position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to
lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor,
I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The
Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never
saw one FRAMED before

Joke No. 208

2008-05-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

The Time

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the
control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a
call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force,
it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is
an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's
Thursday afternoon. If it's a Coast Guard aircraft it's two
hours to Happy Hour.

If it is a private airplane, it's around 3 PM."

Joke No. 207

2008-05-02T10:14:00.000-07:00

Doilies

A new bride moves into a small home on her husband's
ranch. As she's putting her things away, she stores a
shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asks her husband
never to touch it.

For 50 years, the man leaves the box alone. Then, as his
wife is old and dying, he is putting their affairs in order
and finds the box again.

Opening it, he finds two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He
takes the box to her and asks about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she
explains. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my
frustrations every time I got mad enough at you, that I
wanted to bash your head in."

Her husband is touched that in 50 years she had been
mad at him only twice.

"But what's the $82,500 for?" he asks.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."

Joke No. 206

2008-04-25T03:17:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Smith

The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him
for an examination.

"Mrs. Smith, I have some good news for you."

The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm
Miss Smith, not Mrs."

"Oh. Well, in that case Miss Smith," said the doctor without
changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."

The Salesman

Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was
unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy.

"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he
announced, standing up to leave.

"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning,
let me know what you think."

Joke No. 205

2008-04-25T03:16:00.000-07:00

The Second Wedding

A couple was married for 40 years and decided they
wanted to renew their vows and planned a second
wedding. They were discussing the details with their
friends. The wife wasn't going to wear a traditional
bridal gown and she started describing the dress she
was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what
color shoes she had to go with the dress. She replied,
"Silver."

At that point, her husband quipped, "Yes, silver, to
match her hair."

She looked at her husband, who had been getting a
little bald spot and said, "So, I guess you are going
barefoot."

Joke No. 204

2008-04-25T03:15:00.000-07:00

The Gorilla

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with
straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front
of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the
bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted
and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more
by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played
along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead.

She got into the spirit of things and started jumping up and
down and teasing the ape without any more prompting. This
drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to
the cage, pushed her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage
door shut. "Now, tell him, you have a headache."

Joke No. 203

2008-04-01T08:38:00.000-07:00

Boy, Go Get Your Mother

A family from the hills was visiting the city and were in a
shopping mall for the first time in their life. The father and
son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially
by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then
slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father said, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything
like that in my entire life. I ain't got no idea what the heck
it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a large old woman in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving
walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, the lady rolled
between them into a small room, and they closed. The boy
and his father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it
reached the last number and then the numbers began to light
in the reverse order.

When the number one was lit again, the walls opened up. The
boy and his father watched in amazement as a beautiful young
woman stepped out of the small room.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said
quietly to his son, "Boy, go get your mother."

Joke No. 202

2008-04-01T08:37:00.001-07:00

An Amish Woman

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old
buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said
to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."The mother
replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat
will warm them up." So the daughter did,and her hands
warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her
boyfriend, and he said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll
warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy
with the Daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The
daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."
He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the
daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her
mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard
of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why
do you ask?" The daughter replies, "Well, they sure make
one heck of a mess when they defrost!"

Joke No. 201

2008-04-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny

A third grade school teacher was trying to explain to her
class the difference between singular and plural. She said,
"What is it if one woman looks out a window?"

Little Charlotte said, "Singular."

"Very good," said the teacher. "What is it if three women
are looking out of a window?"

Little Johnny in the back mumbled just loud enough for
all to hear, "A hookery!"

Cohen's House

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Cohen's house, and
grandpa gets out. The polite policeman explained, "I came
upon this elderly gentleman who said that he was lost in the
park and couldn't find his way home. He did, however, know
the address, and so here we are. Do you know this gentleman?"

"Of course, officer! It's my Morris!", said grandma Cohen.

Turning to grandpa, she said, "Morris! You've been going to
that park for over 30 years! How could you possibly get lost?"

Leaning close, so that the policeman couldn't hear, grandpa
whispered, "Shhhh I wasn't lost... I was just too tired to walk
home."

Joke No. 200

2008-03-25T20:18:00.001-07:00

Do You Have The Time?

A man had been driving all night, and by morning, was still
far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city
he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an
hour or two of sleep.

As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to
be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had
he settled back to snooze, when there came a knocking on
his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"

The man looked at the car clock and answered, "Eight fifteen."

The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again,
and was just dozing off, when there was another knock on the
window and another jogger asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you
have the time?"

The man was a little irritated and growled, "It's twenty minutes
past eight!" The jogger thanked the man and left.

Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew
it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a
sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off,
when there was another knock on the window. Another jogger
said, "Sir, it's eight thirty."

Joke No. 199

2008-03-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

Breasts Are Too Small

Fresh from the shower, a woman stands in front of the
mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts
are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the
husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take
a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts
for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet
paper, stands in front of the mirror and rubs it between
her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops, getting suspicious.

"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make them bigger over the
years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

Joke No. 198

2008-03-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

Secret Service!

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his
business when a man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum. The
bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum then starts
walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"

The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender
says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard
walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of rum.
The bartender serves him, the man drinks the rum then
starts walking out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender
says "Alright then" and the man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and
orders a shot of rum. He drinks the rum then starts walking
out the door.

The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"
The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says,
"Secret Service!"

Joke No. 197

2008-03-03T08:20:00.000-08:00

Programmer and the Frog

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The programmer said, "Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

Joke No. 196

2008-02-21T19:20:00.000-08:00

Life and Computers

If Life Were Like A Computer:

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on "find" (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

Joke No. 195

2008-02-21T19:11:00.000-08:00

Baseball in Heaven

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Just like they did every day, Abe turned to Sol and asked, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thought about it for a minute and replied, "I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal:

If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me --if there is baseball in heaven."

They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on.

One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responded, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispered the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asked, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," Abe said, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," said Sol.

Abe said, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol said, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighed and whispered, "You're pitching here on Friday."

Joke No. 194

2008-02-21T19:08:00.000-08:00

Deaf Man's Test

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

Joke No. 193

2008-02-11T08:01:00.000-08:00

Why Santa Wants a Raise

10. The hours, the weather and the trend toward smaller chimneys.

9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.

8. Reindeer and elves have unionized.

7. New tax on flying sleighs.

6. Sleigh fuel has gone through the roof.

5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.

4. New air traffic controllers.

3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.

2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.

1. Mrs. Clause told him to.

Joke No. 192

2008-02-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

Alphabet

Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?"

The teacher says, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet Johnny."

Little Johnny says, "Fine" and quickly babbles out: "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!!!"

The teacher asks, "Where is the P?"

Johnny screams, "IT'S RUNNING DOWN MY LEG!!! PLEASE LET ME GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!"

Joke No. 191

2008-02-11T07:58:00.000-08:00

Yummy Peanuts

A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he's driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them.

"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says.

So, the puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!"

Joke No. 190

2008-02-01T10:30:00.000-08:00

Three Little Boys

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get
anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they
had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure,"
said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now
baptized!". " When they got outside, one of them asked, "What
religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, .....because they pour
the water on you." "We're not Babtis, .....because they dunk
all of you in the water." "We're not Methdiss, ......because they
just sprinkle water on you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you
smell that water!" They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you
think that means?" "I think it means we're Pisscopailians.

Joke No. 189

2008-02-01T10:28:00.000-08:00

The Billboard

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed
a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.

Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if
I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her?"

"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, then you'd look
like her."

An Irate Woman

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and yelled, 'I sent
my daughter in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but
when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest
that you check your scales.'

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and
then replied, ' Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your daughter....'

Joke No. 188

2008-02-01T10:27:00.001-08:00

65 Year Old Mother

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old
woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit
and meet the newest member of their family. When
they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother
says "not yet."

A little later they ask again to see the baby. Again
the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And
the mother says, "When the baby cries."

They all ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby
cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

Joke No. 187

2008-02-01T10:24:00.000-08:00

Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one
night, "if I died, would you get married again?"

"I suppose so," she replied. "Would you sleep in
the same bed with him?"

"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no
choice."

"Would you make love to him?"

"Honey," the woman said patiently, "he would be my
husband."

"Would you give him my car?"

"No," she yawned, "He can't drive a manual
transmission car."

Joke No. 186

2008-01-18T00:51:00.001-08:00

Zoo Or No Zoo

A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot
and taken it to their room where, much to the groom's
annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on
their love-making. Finally the groom threw a large towel
over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the
zoo if he didn't quit it.

The next morning, packing to return home, the couple
couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling,
you get on top and I'll try."

That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on
the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try."
Still no success.

Then he said, "Look. Let's both get on top and try."

At that point, the parrot yanked away the towel and said,
"Zoo or no zoo. This I gotta see!!

Joke No. 185

2008-01-18T00:49:00.002-08:00

Regular or Premium Gas

When the family car developed a slight knock, the
husband asked his wife if she had bought regular
or premium gas, but she couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That
could account for the engine running so rough."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband.

"It cost the same as always," said the wife. "I bought
the usual ten dollars worth."

Joke No. 184

2008-01-18T00:49:00.001-08:00

The Matchmaker

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed
bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it
too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only
have to say the word and you'll meet and be married
in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at
home who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the
world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were MY sisters."

Joke No. 183

2008-01-18T00:44:00.000-08:00

Overheard at Home Depot

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts
around Home Depot when they collide

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention
to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm
looking for my wife, too.� I can't find her and I'm getting
a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other.
What does your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing
tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter -- let's look for yours."

Joke No. 182

2007-12-31T00:53:00.000-08:00

The Safari

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find
her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them
both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started
to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came
upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a
thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "That stupid lion got himself
into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Joke No. 181

2007-12-31T00:52:00.002-08:00

Mrs. Smith

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "do you
have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I
had two short stories published in national magazines, and
I finished my novel."

"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of
skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, I wrote them during
office hours."

Joke No. 180

2007-12-31T00:52:00.001-08:00

Two Brothers

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their
physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was
surprised to discover that both of them possessed
incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said
the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason
for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one
arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub,
she had to manage as best she could."