All About Jokes

A place to laugh with all kinds of jokes.

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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Joke No. 133

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

Joke No. 132

After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. That's me."

Joke No. 131

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

When we were out of earshot of the freshmen, my friend asked our guide: "So what's the answer?" The guide replied: "One."

Joke No. 130

An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."

The Doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. The doctor replies, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!

Joke No. 129

A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular newspaper and one questioner stopped an elderly Irish gent in the street and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse.

"Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman. The questioner smiled.

"I thought you Irish were supposed to be sexy!" she said.

"We are," said the gentleman. "But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two year old priest with no car...."

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