Joke No. 265

The Human Brain

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest
buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the regular culling of the
weakest members.

Much the same way, the human brain can only operate
as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a
faster and more efficient machine.

Thash why you alwaysch feel scho musch schmarter
after a few beersch.

Joke No. 264

WATCH & CLOCK

In my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the
difference between a watch and a clock. I told the students
that when it was a large timepiece on a wall and not attached
to your body, it was called a clock. When it was worn on your
body, it was called a watch.

A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom
clocks had not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a
wristwatch, for the time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then
confidently announced, "It is exactly ten o'watch."

Joke No. 263

KELLY

"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as
he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

"I got in a tiff with Riley."

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."

"Aye...that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."

"Dear Lord...didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"

"Aye, that I did," Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but
that particular part of Mrs. Riley is not much use in a fight!"

Joke No. 262

PURINA DIET

I have a Labrador Retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina
at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened
in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food
is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was
by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was
behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been
sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to need help as he roared with
laughter staggering to the door and fresh air.

Joke No. 261

The Little Boy

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed the man had his collar on backwards. The little boy
asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like
that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the
Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren,
and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting a little impatient, said, "I am the Father of
hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over
and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead
of your collar?"

Joke No. 260

The Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket
during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket
rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor
in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was
just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

Joke No. 259

The Farmer

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside
with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon
went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead.
Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an
animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down
the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do
something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is
enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic?"

Joke No. 258

The Password

A new employee joins the Company, and is required to have a
password setup for his computer. The boss directed a secretary
to setup the password for him.

The secretary asks the man for the password. The man,
attempting to embarass the secretary in order to show
superiority, said, "Penis."

Blushed, the secretary inputted the password Penis, and re-typed
it again. Then she hit enter.

The whole office heard the secretary bursting out of laughters as
a reaction from the computer's screen:

"Password rejected. Reason: Too short"

Joke No. 257

The Little Old Lady

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to
be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum
cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take
a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!"
said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded
to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his
foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!"
he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat
the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because
the electricity was cut off this morning...."

Joke No. 256

The Robber

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?"
asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in
four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my
wife didn't like the color."

Joke No. 255

The Sunday School Teacher

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said,
"He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's
in my heart." Little Davie, waving his hand furiously, blurted
out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie
how he knew this.

Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are
you still in there?!"

Joke No. 254

Bill

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were
married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played
upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading
the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood
up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not
be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or
smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their
honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill
even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always
loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come
away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room
service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that
five."