Joke No. 196

Life and Computers

If Life Were Like A Computer:

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on "find" (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

Joke No. 195

Baseball in Heaven

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Just like they did every day, Abe turned to Sol and asked, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thought about it for a minute and replied, "I dunno, Abe, but let's make a deal:

If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me --if there is baseball in heaven."

They shook on it. Sadly, a few months later poor Abe passed on.

One day soon afterward, Sol was sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he heard a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responded, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispered the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asked, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," Abe said, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," said Sol.

Abe said, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol said, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighed and whispered, "You're pitching here on Friday."

Joke No. 194

Deaf Man's Test

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

Joke No. 193

Why Santa Wants a Raise

10. The hours, the weather and the trend toward smaller chimneys.

9. Nike won't give him a lucrative side-contract.

8. Reindeer and elves have unionized.

7. New tax on flying sleighs.

6. Sleigh fuel has gone through the roof.

5. Needs extra cash to cover off-season gambling losses.

4. New air traffic controllers.

3. Cost of living increase at the North Pole.

2. Children don't leave as many cookies as they used to.

1. Mrs. Clause told him to.

Joke No. 192

Alphabet

Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?"

The teacher says, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet Johnny."

Little Johnny says, "Fine" and quickly babbles out: "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!!!"

The teacher asks, "Where is the P?"

Johnny screams, "IT'S RUNNING DOWN MY LEG!!! PLEASE LET ME GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!"

Joke No. 191

Yummy Peanuts

A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he's driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them.

"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says.

So, the puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!"

Joke No. 190

Three Little Boys

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get
anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they
had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure,"
said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads
in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now
baptized!". " When they got outside, one of them asked, "What
religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, .....because they pour
the water on you." "We're not Babtis, .....because they dunk
all of you in the water." "We're not Methdiss, ......because they
just sprinkle water on you." The littlest one said, "Didn't you
smell that water!" They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you
think that means?" "I think it means we're Pisscopailians.

Joke No. 189

The Billboard

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed
a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.

Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if
I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her?"

"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, then you'd look
like her."

An Irate Woman

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and yelled, 'I sent
my daughter in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but
when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest
that you check your scales.'

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and
then replied, ' Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your daughter....'

Joke No. 188

65 Year Old Mother

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old
woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit
and meet the newest member of their family. When
they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother
says "not yet."

A little later they ask again to see the baby. Again
the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And
the mother says, "When the baby cries."

They all ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby
cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

Joke No. 187

Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one
night, "if I died, would you get married again?"

"I suppose so," she replied. "Would you sleep in
the same bed with him?"

"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no
choice."

"Would you make love to him?"

"Honey," the woman said patiently, "he would be my
husband."

"Would you give him my car?"

"No," she yawned, "He can't drive a manual
transmission car."