Joke No. 253

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told
him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

Little Johnny turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want
to go out there. It's dark."

His mother smiled reassuringly at Little Johnny. "You don't have
to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there.
He'll look after you and protect you."

Little Johnny looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you
sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to
help you when you need him," she said.

Little Johnny thought about that for a minute and then went to
the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness,
he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me
the broom?"

Joke No. 252

The Star Football Player

At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated
the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus
party.

Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young
thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she
met many dates at parties.

"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong
academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's
your G.P.A.?"

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the
city and 38 on the highway."

Joke No. 251

Billy Bob

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob
tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a Little different. The last few
years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago
you said to Go to Hawaii.

I went to Hawaii and Earlene got Pregnant. Then two years ago,
you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant
again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't
get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with Me."

Joke No. 250

An Elderly Lady

An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boarding house,
broke her leg.� As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not
to climb any stairs.

Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

"Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up
and down that drainpipe every time I have to take the garbage
out to the curb!"

Joke No. 249

The Cop

A motorcycle cop in Milwaukee was rushed to the hospital with
an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him
that everything was goin' to be ok.

However, the guy kept feeling something pulling on his chest.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't
told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital
gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so
uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in
large black letters on the tape was the sentence.

"Get well soon..... from the nurse you gave a ticket last week."

Joke No. 248

The American Tourist

An American tourist in London decided to skip histour group and
explore the city on his own. He wandered around, seeing the
sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the
local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he found himself in a very high class neighborhood
..... big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants,
and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really had to go, after all those pints of Guinnesss. He
found� a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the
adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve his
problem.

As he was unzipping, he was tapped on the shoulder by a London
bobbie, who said, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here,
you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really,
really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He led him to a back
"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate which he opened.

"In there," pointed the Bobbie.� "Whiz away,... anywhere you want."

The fellow entered and found himself in the most beautiful garden
he had ever seen -- manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains,
sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in
perfect bloom.

Since he had the cop's blessing, he zipped down and unburdened
himself and was greatly relieved. As he went back through the
gate, he said to the bobbie, "That was really decent of you .... is
that "British Hospitality?".

"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that
is the French Embassy

Joke No. 247

My Husband And I

My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages
seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first
time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced
around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed
loudly at the three-year-old's antics and pounded the table.

Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through
clenched teeth, "If you don't start behaving, you'll never eat out
with us again!"

The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear,"
he said. "Quality time!"

Joke No. 246

A New Mattress

Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my
brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The
problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an
odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my
mother one day when I called home.

"Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.

"I don't have a tape measure."

"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches
long."

"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have
a ten."

Joke No. 245

Reading on Vacation

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily
bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided
to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster... As we came up to
the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side
of the track.

I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it
out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we
went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a
third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get
a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"
asked the visitor.

"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"

Joke No. 244

Black Testicles?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult four hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", she hears him mumble from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask, and again she hears, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand
and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. I do like the
way you think, but first, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

Joke No. 243

The Case

The case concerned a will and Kelly was a witness.

"Was the deceased," asked the attorney, "In the habit of
talking to himself when he was alone?"

"I don't know," said the� Irishman.

"Come now man, you don't know and yet you pretend
you were intimately acquainted with the deceased?"

"Well, Mr. Lawyer," said Kelly, "I never happened to be
with him when he was alone. "

Joke No. 242

Out Of Order

A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those
security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were
wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy
about somebody following you, for instance, you could
hit the button and have a security officer investigate
immediately.

On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of
Order."

Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running."

Joke No. 241

The Widow

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the
deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points
out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already
wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care
what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the
viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight,
she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a
subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the
mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an
excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank
check. "There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see,
a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought
in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to
his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no
difference as long as he looked nice.

So I switched the heads."

Joke No. 240

The College Freshman and the Senior Citizen

A very self-important college freshman at a recent football
game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen
sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older
generation to understand his own.

"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world,"
the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.

"We young people today grew up with television, jet planes,
space� travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceship have
visited Mars...We even have nuclear energy, electric and
hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and
uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany,
the "wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have
those things when we were young........so we invented them
...... you arrogant little TURKEY!! All you invented so far is rap.
Now......what else are you doing for the next generation??"

Joke No. 239

The Chinese Man

This Chinese man moved into his new home in Australia. His
Aussie neighbor, being the nice Aussie bloke that he was,
decided to make him feel welcome. He went next door to wish
him welcome.

He was shocked to see the Chinese man in his nice backyard
chasing ten chickens around like mad. "Must be a Chinese
custom" he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the
welcome till a later date, he went home.

The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Chinese
man When he looked through his window, he saw the Chinese
man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be a Chinese custom"
he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till
tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.

The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the
Chinese man. At his gate, he saw the Chinese man with his
ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt.

He became angry and went up to the Chinese man. "I'm sorry
sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy
Chinese customs!" He yelled in the Chinese man's face.

The Chinese man looked confused and answered. "Solly sir, I
think you awe mistaken. These awe actually Austwalian customs.
I was told, to become an Austwalian, you have to chase chicks,
get piss drunk, and lissen to boohll-sheet."

Joke No. 238

The Two Beggars

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One
has a cross in front of him; the other one, the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put
money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving
money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the
beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of
David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This
is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a
Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting
beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably
give to him just out of spite,"

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest,
turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe,
look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about
marketing."

Joke No. 237

The Husband and Wife

A Catholic husband and wife were having dinner at a very
fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman
comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open
mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh,"replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough,
I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember,
if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris,
no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.

But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies

Joke No. 236

Paddy

At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped
to chat with one of his workmen.

"Paddy," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you
had a brother who was a bishop?"

"That I did, sir."

"And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny old world. Things
in life aren't divided equally, are they?"

"No, that they ain't sir," agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped
the mortar along the line of bricks. "My poor brother is such a
miserable klutz, he couldn't do this to save his life!"

Joke No. 235

Boy Scouts

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a
test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged,
and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to
be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.

One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his
rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the
Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was
supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have
bled to death and gone to McDonalds to refill."

Joke No. 234

Next Generation

A very self-important college freshman at a recent football
game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting
next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to
understand his own.

"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world,"
the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.

"We young people today grew up with television, jet planes,
space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceship have
visited Mars...We even have nuclear energy, electric and
hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany,
the "wizened" one said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those
things when we were young........so we invented them...... you
arrogant little TURKEY!! All you invented so far is rap.
Now......what else are you doing for the next generation??"