Joke No. 233

The Hunter

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead
dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it.� Amazed, he
asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a
huge beast like that?"

The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There are about two hundred of us."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at
his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the
table as the food was being served. When little Johnny
received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer,
before eating, at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's
house and her food always turns out good!

Joke No. 232

A Little Boy And A Little Girl

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They
discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day
he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like
it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little
feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's
right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought
peanut butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the
neck and the gizzards!!!!!!!!

Joke No. 231

Bob And Terri

Bob and Terri had just gotten back from the honeymoon, and
were having their first fight, and it was a big one. No matter
what Bob tried to say or do, Terri refused to compromise, or
even listen. He started growing exasperated.

After a while, Bob said "When we got married, you promised
to love, honor and obey."

Terri replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument
in front of all those people at the wedding."

Joke No. 230

The Scientist

One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as
the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a
train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said,
"Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find
the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said,
"I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it,
otherwise I won't know where to get off. I forgot where I am
supposed to be going today!"

Joke No. 229

The Husband and Wife

An elderly husband and wife noticed they were beginning to
forget little things around the house. They were afraid that this
could be dangerous so they decided to go see a doctor to get
some help.

Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful
to write themselves little notes as reminders. This seemed like
an excellent idea.

When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to
the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? Why don't you write
that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice
cream!"

"I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down,
because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and
some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top.
Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the
wife.

"No problem, ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife
could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon
and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her
husband and said, "Where's the toast? I TOLD you to write it down!"

Joke No. 228

The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had
to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was
hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy
determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little
boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the
creek. So he got a large pole and started pushing. Finally, the
outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed
after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy
asked why.

Dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered "Yes father". Then he thought a moment and
said,
"Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped
down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told
the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't
in the cherry tree."

Joke No. 227

The Pretty Girl

A pretty girl asked the male clerk at a fabric counter,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How
much does it cost?"

"Why, only one kiss per yard, " he replied with a smirk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards.

With anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little
old lady standing behind her.

"Grandma will pay the bill, "she smiled.

Joke No. 226

The 3 Finalists

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists:
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside
the room you will find somebody sitting in a chair. Kill that person!"

The man entered the killing room and came right back out. The
man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the
same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All
was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in
his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife
and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions, to go into the room and kill the person
sitting on the chair.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat
from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I
had to beat him to death with the chair." MORAL: Women are
evil. Don't mess with them

Joke No. 225

The Baby Camel

Baby camel to his dad, "Dad, why have we got such
big feet?"

"so that we can carry our masters through the hot
shifting sands of the desert where no other animal
can go," replied Dad.

"Dad, why have we such long spindly legs?" "So that
we can carry our masters through all the prickly thorn
bushes in the desert without scratching their legs,"
replied Dad.

"Dad, why do we have such big humps on our backs?"

"So that we can carry our masters for long distances
across the desert without stopping for food or water,"
replied Dad.

"Dad, why our we sitting in the back of this truck, stuck
in rush-hour traffic?"

Joke No. 224

Three Englishman

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man.
One guy said he was going to bug him. He walked over to
the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. 'Hey, I hear
your St. Patrick was a sissy.'

'Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.'

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. 'I told
him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!'

'You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn.'
The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish
man on the shoulder.
'I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!'

'Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you.'

Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his
buddies. 'Your right, he is unshakable!'

The third English man said: 'No, no, no, I will really big him,
you just watch.'

The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on
the shoulder and said... 'I hear your St. Patrick was an English
man!'

'Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.'

Joke No. 223

Two Friends

Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought
I was in love three times," one friend says. "How so?" his
friend asks. "Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who
wanted nothing to do with me."

"Was that not love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years
ago, I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't
understand me."

"Was that love?"

"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a
woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart,
funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere we met
on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my
stomach."

"Was that love?" his friend asks.

"No," he replies. "That was seasickness."

Joke No. 222

An Old Penny Pincher

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked
his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to
disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress,
and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial,
I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the
grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I
must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only
threw in $20,000."

The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a
new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said,
"Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't
see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I'm
proud to say that I threw in my personal check for the full amount."

Joke No. 221

Grandma's Birth Control Pills

The doctor that had been seeing Myrtle, a now 84-year-old
woman, for most of his life, died shortly after he retired at 65.

At her next annual checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew
wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these
that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and
mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grand
daughter drinks . . .

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

Joke No. 220

A Happy Man

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had
been together for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one thing bothering me...it was her beautiful
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty- two,
wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always
got more than a pleasant view.

One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived,
and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for
me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to
make love to me just once before I go married and committed
my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say
a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you
want one last wild fling, just come up."

I was stunned and frozen in shock, as I watched her go up the
stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door, I opened the door, and headed
straight toward my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father in-law hugged me
and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test
... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome
to the family."

And the moral of this story is . . .

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Joke No. 219

Two Cowboys

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash
the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking
their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a
woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich
begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that
she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes
her head "No" "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The
woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt,
yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the
back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the
woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth,
and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his
beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind
Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.

Joke No. 218

The Vacation

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to
Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her
shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here,
in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it for a few seconds and then
told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000
to ship your wife's dead body home, when it would be
wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried
here, and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."

Joke No. 217

The Golfer

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead
by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,"
the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would
you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would
like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side
again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth
of� your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without
waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to
his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up
the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you
because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this
day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley.

Joke No. 216

The Preacher

There once was a Preacher that went to heaven. When
he got to the pearly gates, there was a man in front of
him. The man was a mess (t-shirt, long hair, and wearing
flip flops). The man told St Peter his name and told him
he was a New York taxi driver.

St Peter looked up his name and gave him a silk robe
and a silver staff.

The Preacher then walked up to St Peter gave his name.
He told him he was a Preacher of such & such church. St
Peter looked up his name and gave him a cotton robe with
a wooden stick.

The Preacher complained and said " Hey, the guy before
me was a taxi driver and you gave him a silk robe and a
silver staff. I'm a preacher of the word of God and all I
got was this flimsy cotton robe and a wood stick."

St Peter said to the Preacher, "When you preached people
slept, When he drove people prayed."

Joke No. 215

The Nun

A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when
she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $50
bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift
from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention
was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger
who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.

She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might
be in financial difficulties. She took the $50 bill and wrapped
it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair,
Sister Eulalia."

She threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it,
looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and
went off down the street.

The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when
she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on
seeing her.

She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger
waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll
of bills. When she asked what the bills were for he replied,
"That's the four-hundred bucks you have coming. Don't
Despair paid 7-1."

Joke No. 214

The Navy SEAL

A Navy SEAL was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist
and a member of the ACLU.

One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the
ceiling, and flatly stated,

"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this
platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed! , "Here I
am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the SEAL got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked
him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The SEAL went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there
looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked
at the SEAL and asked,

"What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The SEAL calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting
American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
shit and act like a dumb ass; so He sent me."

Joke No. 213

The Landing Strip

I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska.
Since I had little experience in flying in small planes,
I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in
a snow covered area. The pilot descended to just a
dozen feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and
circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger
beside me seemed calm.

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was
plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the
window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seat mate said. "It hasn't been cleared for
some time."

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who
drives the plow, and I have been in Hawaii for two
weeks."

Joke No. 212

Jill

Jerry, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around
9:58 PM. He sat down next to Jill at the bar and stared up
to the TV. The 10:00 PM news was now on. The news crew
was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building
preparing to jump.

Jill looked at Jerry and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jerry
replied, "You know, I bet he will."

Jill said, "Well, I bet he won't." Jerry placed a $20 bill on the
bar and said, "You're on."

Just as Jill placed her money on the bar, the guy shown on
the TV did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

Jill was very upset but handed $20 to Jerry saying, "Fair's fair,
here's your money."

Jerry replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on
the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

Jill replied, "I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jerry took the money....

Joke No. 211

The Old Red Indian

An old Red Indian and his spouse wanted to see a big
city. So they travelled to New York and were quite
awed by the sights of the city. Sights they'd never
seen before. Finally, as they needed a place to rest,
a passer by pointed to a hotel.

After checking in with much difficulty ( because they'd
never done this before) they were shown their room.
Finally finding it quite comfortable they soon fell asleep
for the night. Later the old Red Indian woke up thirsty
and asked his wife to get water, which she dutifully did.
Having drunk the water the Indian went back to sleep
only to wake up again a few hours later feeling thirsty.
His wife got him a tumbler of water which he gratefully
crank and was back asleep. However, a few hours later
he was up again and thirsty.

He sent his wife for water and this time she came back
with an empty tumbler. He asked her what happened.
She replied "White man sitting on well."

Joke No. 210

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey
from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver
the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I
have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny----------"I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer---------" You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny----------"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny----------"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer---------"Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny---------"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two
dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

Joke No. 209

FRAMED

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around
to doing it while Lucy was out. He left to take care of another
matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to
take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the
commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the
not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode
seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her
predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, In desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts.
Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to
the Hospital Emergency Room. The ER Doctor got her into a
position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to
lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor,
I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The
Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never
saw one FRAMED before

Joke No. 208

The Time

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the
control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a
call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force,
it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is
an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little
hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's
Thursday afternoon. If it's a Coast Guard aircraft it's two
hours to Happy Hour.

If it is a private airplane, it's around 3 PM."

Joke No. 207

Doilies

A new bride moves into a small home on her husband's
ranch. As she's putting her things away, she stores a
shoebox on a shelf in her closet and asks her husband
never to touch it.

For 50 years, the man leaves the box alone. Then, as his
wife is old and dying, he is putting their affairs in order
and finds the box again.

Opening it, he finds two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He
takes the box to her and asks about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she
explains. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my
frustrations every time I got mad enough at you, that I
wanted to bash your head in."

Her husband is touched that in 50 years she had been
mad at him only twice.

"But what's the $82,500 for?" he asks.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."