Joke No. 105

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brushyour hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They alwayscatch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under! white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa' s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Joke No. 104

Nudist Colony

A man moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, he cut a photo in half and sent her the top part.

Later he received another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. He cut another picture in half, but accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo. He was really worried when he realized that he sent the wrong half, but then remembered how bad his grandmother's eyesight was, and hoped she wouldn't notice.

A few weeks later he received a letter from his grandmother that said....."Thank you for the picture. You definitely have the true Hinkley nose and chin, but change your hairstyle....it makes your nose look short!"

Joke No. 103

Dinner Party

A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's midsection.

The hostess decided to drive to the corner store to get some canned salmon to fill the eaten portion.

Later, as the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."

The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped.

Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. "It is still out on the driveway where you ran over it on the way back from the corner store."

Joke No. 102

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Joke No. 101

Young Minister

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached, the workers began to say"Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like this before..and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Joke No. 100

Two Alligators

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The quite smaller one turned to the quite bigger one and said,"I jes can't unnerstand hows you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?" "Politicians - same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down 'tother side of the old swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jumps out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment.

Ya see, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but a mouth and a briefcase."

Joke No. 99

The Redhead

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman.? Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, " she replies. . . . . . . "

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Joke No. 98

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?"

Joke No. 97

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I would dispute that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

Joke No. 96

One year my mom went to my sister's house for a traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the birds back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Joke No. 95

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings before the inlaws get at them?"

Joke No. 94

Clever Dog

A large dog walks into a butcher's shop with a purse in its mouth. He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case. "What is it, boy?" the butcher asks, joking around with his customers. "Want to buy some meat?"

"Woof!" barks the dog.

"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak--"

"Woof!" interrupts the dog.

"And how much steak? Half a kilo, one kilo--"

"Woof!" says the dog. The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse.

As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment house, climbs to the third floor, and begins to scratch on the door. With that, the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.

"Stop!" yells the butcher. "What are you doing? That's the most clever animal I've ever seen!"

"Clever?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

Joke No. 93

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a
local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud
conversation and every once in a while the lights would
turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place
would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room
went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please
use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I
should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in
there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the
restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a
few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place
stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round
of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the
restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender.
"Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see,"
laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue
is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

Joke No. 92

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it
with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted
the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty
took his breath away.

I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up
to her but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit
20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and,
three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men............

Joke No. 91

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had
an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find
me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest
of me life, --- and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, Lord, I found
one."

Joke No. 90

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo
of their dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion
model. The husband had taken to borrowing this or that from
their neighbor and it seemed to the wife that it always took him
way too long to return.

One time the wife had had enough and actually pounded on the
wall between the two apartments. There being no response she
telephoned, only to get the answering machine. Finally she went
to the model's door and just kept ringing the bell.

When the model answered, the wife fumed, "I would like to know
why it is my husband takes so long to get something over here."

"Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure
wouldn't be helping, if he was doing what you suspect him of
doing. However, he's out on the balcony exchanging fishing lies
with my dad."

Joke No. 89

Doug and Bill were at the racetrack.

Doug says, "You know, if you win $600 on a race, the track tells the government."

Bill says, "Well it could be worse."

Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you won $600."

Bill sighs, "Telling your wife."

Joke No. 88

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.

"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."

The children looked at her blankly."I also like to eat nuts, especially a corns."

No response. This wasn't going well at all!

"I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red."

Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers.

"Michelle, what do you think?"

Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied,

"Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus -- but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

Joke No. 87

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Joke No. 86

I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the machines operated. "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked.

He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM machine over there."

Joke No. 85

A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

Joke No. 84

Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.

On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused:

"Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joke No. 83

Two good ole boys down in Alabama were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer...After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even."

Joke No. 82

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

Bob, the third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

Joke No. 81

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were threemillion years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Joke No. 80

Seven year old Linda asked her mother how old she was. Her mother told her that women often keep their age a secret and changed the subject.

Later that day Linda's friend Mary came over for a visit, and she told her about not getting an answer from her mother. Mary suggested to just look it up on her mother's drivers license in her purse on the table.

While her mother was busy in the laundry room, they snuck a peek.

Later, when mother returned, Linda bragged: "Mom, I know how tall you are! You are 5' 6"."

Mother smiled and thought: "Used to be!"

Then Linda said:" And I know how much you weigh! 125 pounds!"

Again mother smiled and thought: "Used to be!"

But then Linda announced: "And you were born onFebruary 27, 1960!"

Now mother started looking concerned and wondering where Linda got all that information from.

Then Linda dropped the bomb shell: "And I know why Daddy divorced you and left! You got an 'F' in sex!"

Joke No. 79

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight Attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

My Gosh," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas.

I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.

"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no Longer call it the cock pit.

Now it's the box office."

Joke No. 78

With more people traveling, the airlines seem to have more problems keeping passengers happy. At the end of one flight,however, one smiling, very satisfied fellow pauses to congratulate the flight attendant.

"I want to compliment you and the crew and especially the captain for getting here right on time," he says.

"It's not often anymore that an airline gets to where it's going exactly when they claim it will.

I'm going to call your home office and let them know how pleased I am."

"Why, thank you, sir," the flight attendant answers, "but I think you should know -- this is yesterday's flight."

Joke No. 77

Outdoor Life

"You're in incredibly fine condition," the doctor concluded after finishing a thorough physical. "How old did you say you were,sir?"

"Seventy-eight."

"Seventy-eight! Why, you have the health of a sixty-year-old. What's your secret?"

"I guess, Doc, it's due to a pact the wife and I made when we got married. She promised that if she was ever about to lose her temper, she'd stay in the kitchen 'till she cooled off. And I pledged that when I got angry I'd keep quiet, too, and go outside until I calmed down."

"I don't understand," said the doctor, "How could that help you stay so fit?"

"Well, the patient explained, "I guess you could say I've lived an outdoor life."

Joke No. 76

Little Johnny

Miss Figpot looked over her third grade class and happened to notice Billy and Little Johnny giggling and talking during her lesson.

"Well, since you two are obviously listening so well, let's see if you can answer this one!" The teacher said with a smirk on her face.

"What is the proper name to use when referring to a cow that has just given birth?"

There was a moment of silence, then Little Johnny started giggling. "You think it's funny Johnny? You know the answer?" growled Miss Figpot.

"Umm...yeah!" Johnny replied.

"Well, let's hear it."

"You would call her de-calfenated!"

Joke No. 75

Rules For Work

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Joke No. 74

PRICELESS

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. love you, darling! Love, Jillian

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper.His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!

Broken Coffee Table $239.00

Hot Breakfast $14.20

Two Aspirins: $0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . . Priceless

Joke No. 73

A dog named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy", I call mine "Sex". He's a great pal but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I'd like one too!" then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like.

Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.

He said, "You don't need a special room . As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do."

I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Funny--I have the same problem."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.

"But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place it's no big deal anymore."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, I said,"Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."The judge said,"This courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please." Then I told him that after I was married , Sex left me. He said "That's not unusual. It happens to a lot people."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?"

I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

Joke No. 72

On my 15th birthday, I opened a package from my mom and sister. Out came a beauty case containing samples o fmy very own makeup.

"Oh, neat," my dad said excitedly, "a tackle box!"

My mother and sister explained that it was a beauty kit, not a tackle box.

As I opened it up and showed everyone the eye shadow, mascara, and rouge, my father leaned over to my mother and whispered,

"I told you it was a tackle box.? Just look at all those lures."

Joke No. 71

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Joke No. 70

Free Sex with Fill-Up

With the high gasoline price, a gas station owner in Texas was trying to increase sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close,but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,"I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, rigged at all Billy, some folks just get lucky, heck my wife won twice last week."

Joke No. 69

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

Joke No. 68

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Joke No. 67

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

Joke No. 66

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped theflow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"