Joke No. 182

The Safari

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find
her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them
both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started
to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came
upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a
thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "That stupid lion got himself
into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Joke No. 181

Mrs. Smith

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "do you
have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I
had two short stories published in national magazines, and
I finished my novel."

"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of
skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, I wrote them during
office hours."

Joke No. 180

Two Brothers

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their
physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was
surprised to discover that both of them possessed
incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said
the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason
for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one
arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub,
she had to manage as best she could."

Joke No. 179

The Photographer

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to
take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a
small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before
sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.
He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"
The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane
into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying
erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer.
"I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not
my instructor?"

Joke No. 178

Honeymoon

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband
was sitting in the bathroom saying to himself, "How can
I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my
socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her
while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or later."

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself,
"How do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath?
I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were
courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week,
he's bound to find out."

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his
wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to
the bed, puts his arm around her shoulder, moves his face
very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to
make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks!"

Joke No. 177

Positively Wrong

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

"In English," he explained, "a double negative
forms a positive. In some languages, such as
Russian, a double negative is still a negative."

"However," the professor continued, "there is
no language wherein a double positive can form
a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up.
"Yeah, right."

Incompatible

Listening to a young Yuppie couple argue as they
waited for their prescriptions at least helped me
pass the time. When their meds were finally ready,
they paid and walked away. The druggist stood there
and shook his head.

I asked, "What's with them ?"

He sighed and replied, "They're incompatible. He's
on Xanax and she's on Prozac....."