Joke No. 170

Dream Home

Having been married ten years and still living in an
apartment, Sarah would often complain about
anything, as she was tired of saving every penny
to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new
apartment, within their budget. However, after the
first week, she began complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There
are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can
see me everytime I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors
do see you, they'll buy curtains...."

Joke No. 169

Dream Home

Having been married ten years and still living in an
apartment, Sarah would often complain about
anything, as she was tired of saving every penny
to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new
apartment, within their budget. However, after the
first week, she began complaining again.

"Joel," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There
are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can
see me everytime I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors
do see you, they'll buy curtains...."

Joke No. 168

Scripture

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from
an evening church service when she was startled by an
intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her
home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop!� Acts 2:38!"
(..repent and be baptized....)

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly
called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked
the burglar, "Why did you just stand there?� All the old
lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture??'' replied the burglar, "She said she had an
axe and two 38's!!!''

Joke No. 167

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old,
and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to
satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn
that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight. --Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter
waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the
time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater
Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant
mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate
the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes
into 18. Don't wait up. -- Your Wife

Joke No. 166

A Boy And His Date

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some
distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on
back roads. They were some distance from town,
when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm
actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy
reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat
looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?"
asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm
actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Joke No. 165

Hot Water, Cold Water

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend.
By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very
swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called
his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it
in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg
became more swollen and painful.

His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only
a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water,
not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and
the swelling rapidly subsided.

On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain.
"Say Doc, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told
me to soak my leg in hot water, and it got worse. My maid
told me to use cold water and it got better."

"Really?!?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it;
MY maid said hot water."

Joke No. 164

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when
she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the
road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and
this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two
miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind
a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you
knock off the Peeping Tom routine? I'm trying to poop!"

Joke No. 163

Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married
son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was
shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,
totally naked, soft music was playing and the aroma of
perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
�daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the
mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the
daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.
"It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravishes me for hours on
end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed,
showered,put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on
a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband
to arrive.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her
lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs
ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

His funeral will be held next Thursday

Joke No. 162

Window Washer

A beautiful young woman is getting dressed for work one
morning in her high-rise apartment building. She glances
out her fiftieth-story bedroom window and sees a window
washer outside.

Thinking she will rattle him, she slowly takes off her dress.
The window washer just goes about the business of cleaning
the windows.

Next, she removes her slip in a very provocative manner.
Still, the man just keeps working away.

Taking her striptease to the full extent, she takes off her
bra and panties and begins parading around her room. The
window washer still takes no notice of her.

Finally, the woman walks over to the window and just stands
there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window.

At last the window washer puts down his pail and says,
"What's the matter, lady, haven't you ever seen a window
washer before?"

Joke No. 161

Good Excuse

Jones came into the office, an hour late for the third time
in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's
the story this time, Jones?" his boss asked sarcastically.
"Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready
in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck.� Rather
than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my
suit´s still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on
Mr. Thompson´s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City
Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the
Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss,
obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten
minutes."

Joke No. 160

Bob heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great
grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays
�So, on his 21st birthday, Bob and his good friend Brian
headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.

When Bob and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat
and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake,
Bob stepped off of the side of the boat ... and nearly drowned.

When he tried to climb back into the boat, he tipped it, and
Brian also nerly drowned. Hanging on to the capsized boat,
they slowly pushed it back to shore.

When Bob arrived back at the family farm, he asked his
grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not
walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father
before him did on their 21st birthday?"

The feeble old grandmother took Bob by the hands, looked
into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father,
grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January.
You were born in May."

Joke No. 159

Income Tax Inspector

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station.
People were all crowding around trying to get him outbefore the train ran him over. They were all shouting.

"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up.

Ralph elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned
over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your
profession?"

"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.

"In that case," said Ralph, "take my hand!"

The man immediately grasped Ralph's hand and was
hauled to safety and a lengthy accident related delay
was safely avoided.

Ralph turned to the amazed by-standers. "Never ask
a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools."

Joke No. 158

The New Preacher

A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little
nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went
blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in
seminary school when a situation like this arose -- repeat
your last point. Often this will help you remember what
should come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank.
So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.

He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence
that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the
stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to
apologize, but the woman replied, "That's all right, young
man. It was my fault...I should have gotten ready for you.
After all, you did tell me three times you were coming!"

Joke No. 157

Sexual Harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close
to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales
a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore,
takes her complaint to a supervisor in the
personnel department and states that she wants
to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this
decision and asks, what's sexually threatening about
a co-worker telling you your hair smell nice?"

The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."

Joke No. 156

EMERGENCY

A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without
a ticket they don't let you in on the Jewish high holidays.

He said, "Look, I have to give an emergency message to a
doctor friend in there."

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket."

The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, I'll give
the doctor the message and then I'll be right out."

"All right," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch
you praying."

Joke No. 155

BURGLAR

A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided
to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very
pleased to find a note reading,

"Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn
the handle."

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire
premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard
moaning: "Can't trust nobody no more!"

Joke No. 154

UNIQUE BREAKFAST

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant
that read "Unique Breakfast", so he walked in and sat
down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him
what he wanted.

"What´s your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken," she replied proudly.

"Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have ANY idea how
disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating
anything that came out of a chicken´s mouth!" the
man fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you
like then, sir?"

The man replied, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."

Joke No. 153

THREE EXPECTANT DADS

Three expectant fathers were in the waiting room.

The nurse came out of the delivery room and announced
to one of the fathers that he was the father of twins. He
was delighted and said what a coincidence, since he was
a member of the Minnesota Twins team.

A little later the nurse came out again and said to the
next father, congratulations, your wife just had triplets.
He was so a happy, and said, "Isn't that a coincidence --
I work for 3M."

The other father took off like a shot -- the nurse ran after
him, saying, "Where are you going?"

Over his shoulder, the nurse heard him mumbling
something about his work at 7UP.

Joke No. 152

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead
by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt,"
the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would
you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure
would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at
his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another
fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without
waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to
his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up
the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you
because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from
this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

Joke No. 151

Drunk Robbery

A drunk had 14 shots of tequilla. After he decides
to go home.

2 minutes later the drunk runs back in the bar. He
asks the bartender for the phone, and the drunk
calls 911, "Is there a problem, sir," asks the
operator. "Yes," replies the drunk replies,"someone
broke into my car, they stole the stearing wheel,
the brake pedal, the accelerator and even the
dashboard."

Minutes later police arrive on the scene.

The drunk goes up to the head officer and says,
"nevermind, i got into the backseat by mistake."

Joke No. 150

How To Make Money

Young man asked an old rich man how he made
his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and
said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the
Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the
entire day polishing the apple and, at the end
of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in
two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them
and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued
this system for a month, by the end of which I'd
accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million
dollars."

Joke No. 149

The Cloth In A Bar

A priest, a father, and a rabbi are walking home from their
respective services when they pass a bar.

The priest says, "I wish we could all go in and have a drink
tonight." To this the father says, "let me try something I'll
be right back."

So the father goes into the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
When the bartender comes over to get paid the father says,
"my son, I have already paid you for my drink.", to which
the bartender replies, "I'm sorry father, it must've slipped
my mind." "It's alright my son. You have a good night", the
father says and leaves.

He goes outside to tell the priest and the rabbi what to do.

The priest goes in and comes out successful, so the rabbi
goes in.He orders and when it comes time to pay he says
to the bartender, "listen sonny I have already paid for my
drinks tonight". Now the bartender replies, "I'm sorry rabbi,
you're the third man of the cloth to come in here tonight I
must be slipping!", to this the rabbi replies, "that's ok sonny,
but can I have the change from my fifty."

Joke No. 148

Unlucky Lawyer

Once there was this guy named Bill, and his favorite sport
was driving around in his truck hitting lawyers. One day as
Bill was out running over lawyers and having tons of fun,
he saw a priest hitch hiking on the side of the road. Mistaking
him for a lawyer, Bill almost hit him, but swerved away at
the last second. Feeling terrible, Bill offered to give the
priest a ride.

So Bill and the priest are driving along, neither of them
saying much, when Bill saw a lawyer walking along. He
immediately recognized him by the trail of slime he left in
his wake. Getting all excited, Bill sped up in hot pursuit of
the lawyer. At the very last second, Bill remembered the
priest sitting in his truck with him, and he swerved out of
the way. Relieved to have missed the lawyer, Bill turned to
the priest. "Father, I almost hit a lawyer!" Bill cried.

"Oh dont worry sonny" the priest replied. "I got him with my
door."

Joke No. 147

Bilingual Lawyer

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio
Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.
Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an
enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his
favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty
six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're
under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll
blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger
didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer
was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the
loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey.
You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Joke No. 146

THE BRIDE

On their honeymoon, the pretty bride slipped into a sexy
nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only
to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on
the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to
make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous
thing I have ever heard!? Who did you lend it to, and for
how long?"