Joke No. 276

Mrs. Applebee

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following
problem to one of her classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth
is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to
his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised
his hand.

The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered,
"A lawyer...!"

Joke No. 275

Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he
would give her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy
and secretly have the child.


If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked, "How will you know when the baby was
born?"

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
and write `Spaghetti` on the back.

He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One
day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey, you received a very strange post card today," she said.

"Oh, just give it to me and I will explain it later," he said. The
wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two
with meat balls, one without.

Joke No. 274

The Lady

A lady had just finished taking a CPR course, and was on the
lookout for a chance to try it out. As she left the shopping center,
she saw a man lying on the floor with a lot of people around him.
Screaming, "I know CPR!", she ran to the person, threw her
bag down, loosened all tight clothing and got ready to start
mouth-to-mouth.

At this stage, a huge policeman tapped her on the shoulder and
asked, "Do you mind, ma'am? I'm trying to arrest this man!"

Joke No. 273

Five Belgians

Five Belgians in an Audi Quattro arrive at the French border.

The French Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's
illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"Oh, no, Quattro is just the name of the automobile. Look at
the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the French customs
agent. "Quattro means 4!"

"Oh, you are so stupid! Call your supervisor over!"

"He can't come. He's busy with the 2 guys in the Fiat Uno."

Joke No. 272

The Minister, The Priest And A Rabbi

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day.
It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when
they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded,
they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries
while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an
open area, who should come along but a group of ladies
from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the
priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face
while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left, and the men got their clothes back
on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he
covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY
congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

Joke No. 271

The Big Decision

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing.
66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy
marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the
big decisions... and the woman just makes the little
decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far,not one
big decision!"

Joke No. 270

The First Time Father

The first time Father was taking a turn at feeding the
baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces
of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband
staring into space, then says, "What in the world are you
doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can
put on another."

Joke No. 269

The Defendant

The presiding judge had just completed rendering the court's
verdict and was about to pass sentence when he asked the
defendant if he had anything to say.

"No, judge, there is nothing I care to say," answered the prisoner.
"But if you'll let me clear away the tables and chairs in this here
courtroom, so's I can properly beat the heck outa that no-good
lawyer of mine, you can give me a year or two extra."

Joke No. 268

Mrs. Morris Siegel

Mrs. Morris Siegel beckoned to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's,
pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said,
"Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that store dummy
over there?"

"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather snotty
salesman.

"Oy! For $99.95 I could get the same dress at Klein's Bargain
Store downtown!"

"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the dress at
Klein's is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool."

"Nu! So for $800 I should be caring what the lambs do at night?"

Joke No. 267

The Expert

I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on
the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the
driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.

"Wow, Steve," she gushed, "you're an expert."

Gloating, feeling like the king that I am, but trying not to see
egotistical, I responded, "Once you get going, it's pretty easy."

She looked puzzled, and I wondered if I'd misunderstood her.
So I asked, "What did you say, Jen?"

She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"

Joke No. 266

The First Time

For the first time in many years, a friend of ours traveled from
his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his
ticket he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some
popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, my friend couldn't help
but comment, "The last time I came to the movie, popcorn was
only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going
to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."