Joke No. 142

Grandma's birth control pills.

The doctor that had been seeing Myrtle, a now 84-year-old
woman, for most of his life, died shortly after he retired at
65.

At her next annual checkup, the new doctor told her to bring
a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes
grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth
control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in
these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up
and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old
grand daughter drinks . . .

And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

Joke No. 141

A Happy Man

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had
been together for over a year, and so we decided to get
married. There was only one thing bothering me...it was her
beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was
twenty- two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was
bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.

One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived,
and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for
me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted
to make love to me just once before I go married and
committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock and
couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up."

I was stunned and frozen in shock, as I watched her go up the
stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door, I opened the door, and
headed straight toward my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside,
all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father in-law hugged
me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test ... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is . . .

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Joke No. 140

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems
for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor
was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family
must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family
yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've
changed my will five times already!"

Joke No. 139

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the Husband, "You can have her shipped
home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land,
for $150."

The man thought about it for a few seconds and then told him
he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship
your wife's dead body home, when it would be wonderful to
be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."

Joke No. 138

A priest was vested in his surplice and cassock ready to
proceed at the beginning of the service. His surplice was
very ornate, and he was swinging the incense pot which
had smoke coming from it.

A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling,
I love your dress, but your purse is on fire!"

Joke No. 137

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son
who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do
something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200, which he paid. The next
month, he got another bill for $200, which he also paid,
figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200 kept arriving every month, and finally the
man called his brother again to find out what was going
on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something
nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."