A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, Doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes. "I'll have a 'jumbo jet,'" he said.
When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway. He called his waiter over."Was that the 'jumbo jet?'"he asked.
"Yeah," the waiter answered. "Went pretty fast, didn't it?"
A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.
One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.
When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone to McDonalds to warm up and refill."
A psychiatrist who had tired of listening to the assorted troubles and dreams that poured from his consulting couch, rigged up a tape recorder. Explaining to his patients that he could analyze a case better this way, he would turn on the machine, tell the patient to keep talking and quietly slip out for a beer.
This worked well for a while, but one day he looked up from his beer to see the patient who was supposed to be upstairs on the couch. "What are you doing here?" asked the doctor.
"Well, Doc," said the patient, "I've taped my dreams and stuff for the last couple of days, and now my tape recorder is upstairs talking to your tape recorder."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
It was the middle of one of the coldest nights of the winter and Ole and Lena were on their way home on a slippery road. Just as they came around a corner, Lena yelled to Ole to look out. Ole swerved and hit the brakes and came to a sliding stop.
"What's the matter Lena", Ole said.
"There was a mother skunk and 2 little baby skunks in the road. I'm afraid that you may have killed the mother skunk. We have to go back and look."
Ole reluctantly backs the car up and sure enough, there lays the mother skunk in the middle of the road dead and the two baby skunks are by the side of the road.
Lena says, "Ole we have to take the babies or they're going to freeze to death."
Ole argues against it, but eventually gives in to Lena and Lena goes out and picks up the baby skunks. After returning to the car they start on their way home again.
Well, the heater in the car isn't very good and Lena tells Ole that they have to do something to keep the babies warm or they'll freeze to death.
Ole finally tells Lena, "Just put them up under your skirt and that will keep them warm".
Lena replies, "But Ole, what about the smell?"
Ole replies, "Don't worry about it, they'll get used to it".
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "Okay, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." "How much was the sale for?" "124, 237.64. pounds."
The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64 POUNDS?! What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat."
"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me a guy came In here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "No no no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said... Well, since your weekend's #OOPS#ed, you might as well go fishing!!!"
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife,"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.
"The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!
"The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" "What the heck is BELL 4?" asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."
A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, but the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten ready for you. After all, you did tell me three times you were coming!"
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."
"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! She sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"
She replied, "That sounds like you are quite serious about burning off some calories, but for an outside line, Ma'am, you need to press 9."
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the backdoor of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Dangit Man! How many bars do you work at?"
Back in the days when Roman galleys plied the Mediterranean, a crew of oarsmen was sweating and straining to propel the ship through high seas when the first mate appeared. "I've got good news and bad news," he says. "The good news is we've spotted an island, so the plan is to stop, drink rum, hunt a couple of wildboars, have a feast and relax with the native girls."
The sailors all cheer in happiness, all but one, who asks, "And what is the bad news?" "Well," the first mate replies, "tomorrow, the captain wants to go water skiing."
A Canadian man is told that he's being transferred from Toronto to Chicago. "It'll mean a big raise and more benefits," he tells a co-worker, "but I'll quit before I'll move there." "Why?" his friend asks. "I've seen all those movies," the man says.
"I'm just too afraid of all the gangsters and crime there." "You ought to reconsider," the other man says.
"Chicago is a magnificent city with world class museums, good public transportation, nice neighborhoods -- everything a person could want."
Then he says, "I worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
"What did you do there?" the first man asks. "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
Two Jews were visiting China and stopped in a restaurant one night. During their conversation one of them remarked that they had found Jews in almost every other part of the world, but were there any Jews in China. They decided to ask the waiter.
The waiter looked confused. "I do not know. I go ask chef."
The waiter returned a short while later. "Very sorry to report: No Chinese Jews. We have Orange Jews, Tomato Jews, . . ."
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Consider the theatergoer who gets to his seat only to find that he's far away from the stage. He whispers to the usher,"This is a mystery play, and I have to watch a mystery closeup. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. At the exit I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Consider what happened when a governor's most trusted assistant died in his sleep one night. The fellow had been the governor's closest friend, and the governor had depended on him for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions.
Almost immediately, ambitious office seekers begin besieging the governor with requests to fill the assistant's post.
"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the governor complains.
Even at the funeral, one eager beaver makes his way to the governor's side. "Governor," the man says, "is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"
"Certainly," says the governor. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."
KANSAS
Consider the Kansas farm couple who are sleeping early one morning when a cyclone roars over their farmhouse. It lifts the roof off, picks up the bed the farmer and his wife are sleeping in and sets them down gently in the next county.
The wife begins to cry. "Don't be scared, dear," her husband says. "We're not hurt." The woman continues to cry. "I'm not scared," she says between sobs. "I'm crying because I'm happy. This is the first time in 14 years we've been out together."
A man is struck by a bus on a busy New York City street. He lies on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.
A policeman checks the crowd, but there's no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A priest, please," the injured man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a wrinkled and wizened Jewish man of advanced years. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for 50 years now I've lived behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I've listened to the Catholic rites. MaybeI can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agrees and brings the old man over to where the man lies. The old man kneels down on the sidewalk, leans over the injured victim and in tones in a solemn voice:
"Under the B - 4. Under the I - 19. Under the N - 38. Under the G - 54. Under the O - 72."
