Joke No. 161

Good Excuse

Jones came into the office, an hour late for the third time
in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's
the story this time, Jones?" his boss asked sarcastically.
"Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready
in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck.� Rather
than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my
suit´s still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on
Mr. Thompson´s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City
Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the
Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss,
obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten
minutes."

Joke No. 160

Bob heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great
grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays
�So, on his 21st birthday, Bob and his good friend Brian
headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.

When Bob and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat
and began paddling. When they got to the middle of the lake,
Bob stepped off of the side of the boat ... and nearly drowned.

When he tried to climb back into the boat, he tipped it, and
Brian also nerly drowned. Hanging on to the capsized boat,
they slowly pushed it back to shore.

When Bob arrived back at the family farm, he asked his
grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not
walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father
before him did on their 21st birthday?"

The feeble old grandmother took Bob by the hands, looked
into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father,
grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January.
You were born in May."

Joke No. 159

Income Tax Inspector

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station.
People were all crowding around trying to get him outbefore the train ran him over. They were all shouting.

"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up.

Ralph elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned
over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your
profession?"

"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.

"In that case," said Ralph, "take my hand!"

The man immediately grasped Ralph's hand and was
hauled to safety and a lengthy accident related delay
was safely avoided.

Ralph turned to the amazed by-standers. "Never ask
a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools."

Joke No. 157

Sexual Harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close
to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales
a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore,
takes her complaint to a supervisor in the
personnel department and states that she wants
to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this
decision and asks, what's sexually threatening about
a co-worker telling you your hair smell nice?"

The woman replies, "Its Keith, the midget."

Joke No. 156

EMERGENCY

A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without
a ticket they don't let you in on the Jewish high holidays.

He said, "Look, I have to give an emergency message to a
doctor friend in there."

The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket."

The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, I'll give
the doctor the message and then I'll be right out."

"All right," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch
you praying."

Joke No. 155

BURGLAR

A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided
to burgle the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very
pleased to find a note reading,

"Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn
the handle."

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire
premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard
moaning: "Can't trust nobody no more!"

Joke No. 154

UNIQUE BREAKFAST

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant
that read "Unique Breakfast", so he walked in and sat
down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him
what he wanted.

"What´s your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken," she replied proudly.

"Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have ANY idea how
disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating
anything that came out of a chicken´s mouth!" the
man fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you
like then, sir?"

The man replied, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."

Joke No. 151

Drunk Robbery

A drunk had 14 shots of tequilla. After he decides
to go home.

2 minutes later the drunk runs back in the bar. He
asks the bartender for the phone, and the drunk
calls 911, "Is there a problem, sir," asks the
operator. "Yes," replies the drunk replies,"someone
broke into my car, they stole the stearing wheel,
the brake pedal, the accelerator and even the
dashboard."

Minutes later police arrive on the scene.

The drunk goes up to the head officer and says,
"nevermind, i got into the backseat by mistake."

Joke No. 150

How To Make Money

Young man asked an old rich man how he made
his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and
said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the
Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the
entire day polishing the apple and, at the end
of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in
two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them
and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued
this system for a month, by the end of which I'd
accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million
dollars."